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Why is it that the other teams' stars seem so fearsome? So menacing? So well fed? Here is CC Sabathia, old uniform but new Yankee---BOOOOOOYANKEESSUCKBOOOOOOO looking every bit as threatening as my worst bad dream. The only thing we can do is mail him a Boston cream pie every third day and pray he eats them, tubbing him up so he's a little soft around the edges. I'll sign up for April 10 and 20. The rest of you have to help me out.



Our own guys seem so slender somehow, so nervous, so fragile. Jon Lester has been through a lot in his young life, but I think we should mail him protein shakes. And maybe some cookies to show love. I'll take my same dates, April 10 and 20--might as well load up for the post office all on the same day.

So we have John Smoltz now. John Smoltz? Wasn't he pitching when the first man landed on the moon? Don't I remember him in Atlanta with Scarlett O'Hara? I will buy him some thick eyeglasses at WalMart and mail them in my care package. Let's not think about how he compares to CC. I hope no one tries to do that stupid Atlanta "chop" thing here. We prefer mature symbols of superstition here in Boston, like statues of the Infant of Prague wheeled around in a baby stroller.

Here is Mark Texeira, much sought-after offseason prize. He looks about twelve years old. Guess who got him? Ugh. Here he is shown with agent Scott Boras, right before Boras chewed up and ate a glass milk bottle and a four-year-old kid. Can you imagine dinner at home with the Borases [glad they had the good sense not to name a son Boris]?

Mrs. B: Honey, could you pass the salt?

SB: How much is it worth to you?

Mrs. B: Could you just pass it? Please don't start this.

SB: I asked a simple question. How much is the salt worth to you right this minute?

Mrs. B: Honey. Remember the counselor said--

SB: Then it's worth a lot, isn't it? As much as, say, all the other items on this table right now. Would you agree to that much?

MRs. B: I thought we were going to have a nice dinner.

SB: This salt is going to immeasurably increase your enjoyment of the meal. You'd pay more right now for the salt than any of the food items. Would you agree to that?

Mrs. B: That's okay. I'll just go to the kitchen and get the other salt. I might get in the car and eat at Wendy's if you don't mind. The Palmolive is under the sink, don't forget.



Here is Larry Lucchino explaining to Mayor Menino how long the line can be to get to the rest room under the current liquor policy. Seeing Fenway Park when you first walk up the steps into the light is a feeling like no other. Many of my students have written of it. Now that Fenway is one of the last old-style parks left in the league, it's more true than ever.

And never is it more so than on Opening Day.

Hope is in the air, dear reader.

And I hope she's working with a net.

love,

becky