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It's time again, dear reader, for the latest in our series of biased, uninformed, willfully wrongheaded and arrogant film criticism. The monetary amount listed to the right of or under each title is the amount I would accept to sit in the audience and actually view that movie. Some really shouldn't have any amounts. Others are lower than they should be because I need the money. Most are realistic. I try to be fair.

$500
This is the minimum for any film about a cartoon character. I know Heath Ledger is revered these days for his tragic and somehow lovely death, but my heart is cold. He looks like he could
be in that vampire movie, speaking of which...


$400
They say this is a mesmerizing romance, but at some point you know you will be looking at bloody false teeth, as we did with Brad and Tom in Interview With a Vampire. Yuck! It's interesting to me that an author can really flex his/her muscles with these vampires and shape-shifters. There are no real rules. You can make up your own world. Maybe I will write one about Vampires in Hannaford's. Picture the meat department late at night, pork chops trembling, hamburger patties newly chopped and tightly bound in see-through plastic wrap. The cold-hearted but somewhat bitchy beautiful teenager, also tightly wrapped in Saran, appears in the doorway. She lives most of the time in the frozen foods, near but not in the Tater Tots, and will melt by daybreak, unless.....let's think about this.


$200
I think I'd rather have the chopped meat.


$1000
Surely they don't have another writhing snake scene in this, do they? Aren't you allowed only one in a series? Otherwise, you can change this to $1500 and a large popcorn with extra butter.

$500
I've heard this wasn't too bad, but I have to remember that I could be at home in bed reading or playing solitaire on the computer. It puts things in perspective.


$750
Let's make this clear. I don't enjoy violence. That includes hitting people, biting them, all forms of torture especially when snot comes out of the nose, leaving them to die on the street, or pounding them in the face. Period. I'm not changing my mind either. Wasn't Mickey Rourke the cute guy who was in 91/2 Weeks? Good Lord.


$350
This is a feel-good movie about a racist guy who beats the shit out of gang members or something like that. Is Clint looking more like Paul Newman?

Okay, I have to stop. Not because there isn't more material, but because there is. It's dispiriting. Here is a quote I found on moviefone about the offerings of 2008: ""The movies were so exciting, the product was so good this year that it is instilling in the audience a lot of good will," Dergarabedian said. I don't know who this guy is but maybe he lives at Hannaford's, deep in the stock room. BECAUSE CLEARLY HE DOESN'T LIVE IN THE SAME WORLD I DO.
Moviefone also said this:
"Movies slated for release in 2009 that industry watchers expect to post big numbers include "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen," "Terminator: Salvation," and "Star Trek."
I'm sure they will all make my list next year and I'm thinking a grand apiece.


I did see two movies this year that I really liked. One was Vicky Cristina Barcelona and the other was Slumdog Millionaire, which I saw last night and loved. It's nothing NOTHING like I imagined and it did have some of the elements I say I won't accept. But I'm glad I went. Also I just read Richard Russo's Bridge of Sighs and loved it. I have another of his I'm going to start today as I Enjoy My Vacation.
love,
becky

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